today was another one. i woke up on top of the world…but by 2, i was praying my heart out and overcome with loneliness. i guess it was because my dad told me that there is supposed to be a big storm tonight that is bringing tornadoes. and i, of course, was again reminded about how much i hate living in alabama. and in a little over a week, i will be out of the state for about a month and a half, but even that can’t come fast enough. i gotta deal with tornadoes tonight.
and on top of that, my sister is texting me because she wants me to find a place with her in california so she doesnt have to move. and i have to (it feels like repeatedly) explain to her that i don’t want to invest any money out there when i am trying to move to st maarten. all my money (all twelve cents at the moment) needs to go towards building my life out there.
and just thinking about it, and about my twelve cents, makes me question yet again if this move is possible. i believe, i swear i believe. but the implementation is hard and the planning for some reason is harder.
and then im wishing i had someone to talk about this with. i shouldn’t say someone, i should just say my sxm booski. i wish i could talk to him about it, but he’s working and super far away and i just wish he was here or i was there and i could see him and talk to him and not have to feel like im going at life all by myself…like im facing every hurdle alone, fighting every battle without any backup or support.
sometimes i have to really check myself when i find myself getting jealous of my friends in relationships with guys they can actually see. sometimes i actually miss kofi, or not really miss him but miss the fact that i didnt have to sleep alone and i had someone to talk to, even if our conversation was limited.
its the loneliness thats the worst. i always make my worst decisions when im lonely. i set myself back because i cant handle it. and i should be able to, it’s been two years since kofi and i broke up. i dont want him back, but i want someone. i want sxm booski. but he is so far away, and i dont know how to fill that gap or function in the meantime. i need to love and i need to give love and im giving it as best as i can but i need to be replenished too.
i need to delete numbers out of my phone to keep from calling people i dont need to talk to and starting things that have ended. i want to break free from this house and this suffocating alabama life and really feel like i’m living again. i need a miracle…a blessing…cuz lord knows I can’t do any of this on my own.
i’m gonna pray and keep the TV on tonight. maybe i will be able to sleep, but if the storm does get nasty, i want to be prepared.
A Year In Our Lives 