Go get your life

I feel like I misbehaved and now for my punishment I have to write “there is nothing wrong with me” 1000 times in my notebook. How can someone make you feel like you are at fault consistently? Honestly, am I perfect??? Hell no. I have flaws and a lot of insecurities but I’m a good person. Some times it’s ok to toot your own horn and pat yourself on the back. Am I happy about everything that I have done/said in my past?? Hell no but I’ve made amends and moved past it. I payed my dues, cried, grieved, loved and lost. I’m human and in this imperfect world how dare someone challenge you for being less that perfect. How dare they throw stones for things they fail to understand or even have the courage to go through. My circumstances have made me better…it made me capable of understand love, to give love, to be happy with myself, to cope with loss, to be want/need more for myself. So how can someone try to take away everything that you struggled to get by questioning you choices or looking down on you for your mistakes. I am of the age where I no longer need to be accepted by everyone. I have an extremely small circle and the reason is that not everyone in life truly wants the best for you. Not everyone that loves you will wear Pom poms to support you and not everyone will have your back when you need it the most. I don’t need a lot..just acceptance from my circle. The ones that say “I might not understand your decision but I will be there whether you succeed or fail”. To me, that is love. We should aspire to include ppl like that in our lives. The ones who push us to be better..the ones who argue because they love us and not because they have a secret agenda; The one who chooses us from the very beginning. We do not need to petition to someone as to why they should be there for us. My ex sometimes made me feel like I was in a board meeting giving him reasons why he should invest in me. Do I really want to spend time doing this when I am not the only one with baggage???!!! I do not mind letting people know details about my life but I have MAJOR issues about being judged for past mistakes. Love..love hard but love yourself harder. There is nothing wrong with fighting for love as long as the person is fighting for you as well. Be blessed…

Wednesday, April 24th– Realizations

First, shout out to Irene…HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!!

Now, a few realizations…

I don’t want to be one of a number. In anything. In life, in my career, in my relationships. I want to be the only one…the trailblazer, the initiator, the leader, the only one he sees, the only one he wants, the one he committed to, loves, and can’t do without.

But all of those things require work, and the work is daunting and never ending. I spend my days plotting and writing and working and praying for something tangible to come from it.i spend my nights tossing from dream to dream or speaking in low whispers and wanting to see and touch someone who is so close yet so far away.

I realized that I have let go of DM, for good. I don’t daydream about him anymore, I don’t really desire him or miss him or want to talk to him the way I used to. I don’t want that life, pining away for someone who doesn’t love me or even have the capability to really love himself. But in the process, I learned that I needed to take responsibility for myself and my actions…my decisions that caused this predicament I found myself in…then I needed to forgive myself. And once I really forgave myself, I was ready to move on and be done with it. Deleted his number without hesitation. Found all the letters I wrote in August and September, ripped them to shreds and tossed them in the trash with the Diva’s dirty diapers. Letting go of that weight feels so much better.

I tried to talk to SXM booski about it, because he is carrying a lot of that weight to. I understand it, I lived it for seven long years. But it’s dead weight…it’s not helping anyone, it’s holding you back from being able to fully live your life and experience what you need to experience. He’s holding on to a memory, a bad memory, that will keep him from fully loving me. And I don’t want to come in second to that, or to anything. Which renewed my belief in being celibate with him. I don’t want to give anymore of myself to someone who can’t/won’t commit to me. He said he isn’t ready to let it go. Which to me means you really aren’t ready to choose me.

I’ve been here before with King…King would wake me up every night at 2 am and talk to me for hours about his ex girlfriend and how she was his soulmate and how much he loved her even though he never really listened to her…how after dating me for almost six months, if she came to him and told him that she wanted him back, he would desert me to be with her. That, though I was on my game and definitely a good woman, I could only have 45% of his heart, and that the majority belonged to her. And I hated him. Still working on not hating him.

So when SXM booski said he was unwilling to let her go, to forgive himself, to move on, what could I do? The only thing I want from this man is the one thing he can’t give me, at least not now. So the battle…do I stay on hopes that maybe one day he will wake up and see what he has in front of him and not pass it up? Or do I deny myself the investment, love him from a distance but not allow the closeness because he is not willing to let her go.

And why not let her go? She was not the one for you, and you know it. She didn’t love you, she never did. You were convenient while you were around, but once she could get away, she did, and made your life a living hell while doing it. But your anger, your hatred of her is stronger than any love I could give you…my love is strong but it can’t be in constant battles with the demons of the past. That’s not fair to me.

So, idk. Idk. I have hope, I want to think positive, give him his time and space to figure out what he wants, but some things are clear to me. Maybe as much as I want to be the only one, I may need to just accept being the friend, the shoulder to cry on, then move on from with someone else. But I don’t want that life, so no I can’t accept that. I need someone who will love me, and only me, and that i love, solely and fully. That’s what I deserve.

Dammit.

Testimony time

I am a renewed believer. The past week have been filled with so many emotions that I don’t even know where to begin. My emotionometer went from calm to tears to confusion to anger to peace in a matter of minutes. I left my last job in December for various reasons. They weren’t paying me enough for the job they required me to do, management was awful and I’m a college graduate fighting for hours in a department store. Let’s be real about this situation. I was consistently saying “this can’t be my life” yet everyday I took the journey to the place that made me miserable just so I can never ask anyone for diapers or food for my son. Although that’s all the damn money can buy. After factoring in transportation, food and other necessities I would be thanking God I didn’t overdraft. Needless to say, they gave me an opportunity out and I took it and that has come with various emotions. I can suffer by myself but not with my child. The stress of it all is unbearable. I HATE asking for handouts and I HATE thinking that someone else’s money is supporting my toddler. So for the last four months I have been depressed because I can’t find a job that I like that pays me the money that I need. I need to be able to advance. Pay my dues in a company and know that in a few years my money will increase because I got that promotion or used my experience to get a better paying job. I went on interviews in agencies and never got a callback but i was secretly happy because I do not want to be any one’s administrative assistant. I do not want to offend anyone who is and I did it before but it’s not for me. I want to work independently on projects and know that I did something great versus picking up a phone and transferring calls. I have a friend that loves doing it..she found her calling in life. I, on the other hand, want more. I also went on this interview to fill a role for someone who will be on maternity leave. The job is only 4 months guaranteed with a possibility of being given a full time opportunity depending on various factors like work ethics and the amount of projects they have. I was amped to say the least. Didnt get it!! They decided to go with someone with more experience. I cried and went into depression mode. They told me that they loved me and would like to keep in contact with me if new projects comes up. I said “great” but I wanted to slap someone. Little did I know that the new project would be two weeks later. Apparently the person they hired isnt working out so they let her go and now they want to do a test run on Monday. I am going to bust ass because this could be my big break 🙂 sooo excited. I have waited so long for my window of opportunity because every door possible has been closed in my face. Some partly because I was young and dumb but others because that’s life. But you gotta remember to keep going even when going through hell because at some point you will make it out of there. Some times you are offered that mulligan even when you don’t deserve it. Your attitude really does matter because in situations like these when you have no experience, companies will remember your smile and enthusiasm. Some times you do get that call back. In a world of nos you really only need that one yes to get you where you need to be. Some might ask why I’m so excited about a temp position but in the world of market research, any experience is better than none. This company can keep me or I can become their “consultant” and work on projects but either way their name will be on my résumé. I can move up with them or ask for a reference to go else where. Do you know how much these people can make with experience? I’m on my hustle yet again and all I wanted to do was feel like I’m making progress. I believe that even small opportunities will set you up for a life time of blessings. This might be a drop in the bucket but one day my bucket will overflow. Continue striving and take opportunities as they come. Who knows??? Maybe Monday won’t work out but I’m going to go in there and show then why they need me. 🙂 be blessed

Thursday, April 18th- Kinda over these emo days…

today was another one. i woke up on top of the world…but by 2, i was praying my heart out and overcome with loneliness. i guess it was because my dad told me that there is supposed to be a big storm tonight that is bringing tornadoes. and i, of course, was again reminded about how much i hate living in alabama. and in a little over a week, i will be out of the state for about a month and a half, but even that can’t come fast enough. i gotta deal with tornadoes tonight. 

and on top of that, my sister is texting me because she wants me to find a place with her in california so she doesnt have to move. and i have to (it feels like repeatedly) explain to her that i don’t want to invest any money out there when i am trying to move to st maarten. all my money (all twelve cents at the moment) needs to go towards building my life out there. 

and just thinking about it, and about my twelve cents, makes me question yet again if this move is possible. i believe, i swear i believe. but the implementation is hard and the planning for some reason is harder. 

and then im wishing i had someone to talk about this with. i shouldn’t say someone, i should just say my sxm booski. i wish i could talk to him about it, but he’s working and super far away and i just wish he was here or i was there and i could see him and talk to him and not have to feel like im going at life all by myself…like im facing every hurdle alone, fighting every battle without any backup or support. 

sometimes i have to really check myself when i find myself getting jealous of my friends in relationships with guys they can actually see. sometimes i actually miss kofi, or not really miss him but miss the fact that i didnt have to sleep alone and i had someone to talk to, even if our conversation was limited. 

its the loneliness thats the worst. i always make my worst decisions when im lonely. i set myself back because i cant handle it. and i should be able to, it’s been two years since kofi and i broke up. i dont want him back, but i want someone. i want sxm booski. but he is so far away, and i dont know how to fill that gap or function in the meantime. i need to love and i need to give love and im giving it as best as i can but i need to be replenished too. 

i need to delete numbers out of my phone to keep from calling people i dont need to talk to and starting things that have ended. i want to break free from this house and this suffocating alabama life and really feel like i’m living again. i need a miracle…a blessing…cuz lord knows I can’t do any of this on my own. 

i’m gonna pray and keep the TV on tonight. maybe i will be able to sleep, but if the storm does get nasty, i want to be prepared. 

Tears

This weekend I have lost track of the amount of times I cried. Just completely lost it. I cried because I had a big ass fight with my mom, because a fly was too close to me (didnt happen)…anything set me off. And now I spent half the morning crying because I no longer have a relationship. I gave everything I had and it wasnt good enough. Once again, what I put forward couldn’t sustain peace. No matter how truthful I was, how hard I tried or how much love I gave…it just wasnt good enough. Darren didnt stay because he couldn’t appreciate the love I have him and now he left because he’s mad at how much of myself I gave to someone that didnt appreciate me. He’s judging me based on my past instead of realizing my present. Everything happens for a reason, hearts hurts and after awhile scars fades until it is no longer recognizable. I won’t lie…im so hurt and upset but I deserve someone that will accept all of me. My son is my life. He has helped me get over his father so loving him and focusing on that will help me get over this. I just need to focus on certain aspects of my life.

Away…

Sometimes I wish I had a secret place to hide. Some where I never feel insecure or judged. My mantra for life use to be “some people pursue happiness while others create it.” What happened to that attitude. Since when did I stop pursuing my own happiness?? When did I start accepting failure or words from people that have no clue who I am or my desires? I read my “friend’s” FB update and last night was opening night for playing Celie in the color purple!! Very exciting times for her. And I just think about how hard it must have been for her to tell her family that after undergrad and grad school she no longer wanted to be a nurse instead she wanted to quit her steady income job although she has a child to pursue music. That blows!!! Music?? That is the most uncertain thing anyone can pursue. But she busted balls because she believed in herself and now after completing her own tour she got the part to play one of the most coveted roles in Chicago. Even got a message from Danny glover telling her how awesome she is. That is awesome!!! It is mind blowing how many things you can do when you believe in yourself. She didnt need anyone but herself. Definitely has me thinking that I made the right decision. I need to just bust ass and stop accepting failure and thinking this is it for me. I use to sing this song to Elijah by Donald Lawrence which goes “oh, don’t you know. That you are called for greatness. Chosen to reign, to lead in holy boldness. I see you your failures and I know that you need answers. But those with great failures, I’ve blessed to be great winners. See yourself in future, you are royalty.” I need to stop seeing myself in the present and know that my life is greater than this. Once you envision it you can achieve it. I dare us all to see the future and recognize that we are royal. Life will be better!!

April 12th. Monarch.

It’s cold and rainy tonight and I’m wide awake which is unheard of. I’m about to do some overdue homework and do my hair cuz “MY hair is laid like”…rabbit’s nest. Thanks to being out in the elements I went from looking like Claire to Theo…you know how that goes.

I haven’t spent a dime since Tuesday which I am very proud of, especially since money woes threw me into depression on Monday. I was wrecked just wondering how the hell was I going to conjure up cash out of thin air. Being pissed at how all throughout the weekend i’d been on this “live your life!” tangent and then here I found myself being strangled by finances. And realizing I would be broke as shit for my birthday, wouldn’t be able to do anything i’d planned on doing, wouldn’t be able to do what I really wanted…it was painful I can’t lie. Luckily as a typical Taurean I always have a back up plan, and a plan c for my plan b. I’m going to make it good for myself, no feeling sorry for myself.

We were audited yet again this week. And guess who was interviewed and observed? Me of course. I rocked that shit, I don’t think I’ve ever been so efficient in all the years I’ve been there. I mean I killed it. In my everyday life I seldom have the need nor opportunity to impress or be challenged (also, I hate being challenged), but this sparked something in me. Sometimes I get too comfortable being “good enough.” I can be amazing. I am not mediocre. I am not average. I guess I just need to be inspired sometimes.

Things with M have reverted right back to old times, sans sleeping together. It’s funny, we started talking again and it was really that simple. I was getting sick of always trying to dodge him and sick of how he was always throwing himself into my way trying to force interaction. I don’t like wanting to punch his lungs out. I want to keep it as is. Work Homie gave his 2-weeks notice today. I was bummed but happy for him; he deserves good things. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without him. A’s been hovering around a bit lately. This is weird because we’ve been avoiding each other for months, and now all of a sudden he’s trying to talk to me. Something’s up. I know how he does.

I heard from C a couple days ago. He’s coming back for a few weeks in June/July for work. This time he’ll be 10 minutes away from me which will be…interesting. We’ll see what happens. I honestly never expected to see or hear from him again but hearing from him and knowing that he would be back made my week. But will I really have to wait til June to get some really good dick? I hope not, gimme a fucking break. I gotta see what else is out there in the meantime.

Tuesday, April 9th– Lethargic

My dad’s wife was sick last week, and I feel like I am coming down with whatever she had. I am so tired of being sick. I refuse to cook today.

I found another screenwriting competition, also worth $5000. I’m editing a script I wrote two years ago for the project. And honestly, this script needs ALOT of work. its really disjointed. I was going through so much at the time I wrote it, though, that I’m not even shocked at it turning out a hot mess. The idea is dope, the dialogue is really good…but the execution is poor. Time to get to work. Thing is, this needs to have a Christian/Inspirational/Family slant. That is the hard part.

I bought our tix for California. We will be returning at the end of the month. I’m just gonna file and see what happens. I haven’t told him yet that we are coming out…I will call him before we arrive though (not that he will answer). Oh, and I should be broke, but God is sustaining us, because money is the least of my worries at this moment. *THANKFUL*

And strange things have been happening. I can’t really put my finger on it, but maybe people aren’t always who they say they are? IDK.

Anyway, not much else to say today. Continue on with your lives.

April 5. Friday. Hmm.

Today was the first legitimate Spring-like day of the year. Talk about a mood booster, shiiit I was glowing today. It was especially nice after the crazed funk i’ve been in for the past few days.

I feel like going driving around the city. With a cute boy behind the wheel. Blasting music and zoning out for hours and just driving. Around this time last year that’s what I found myself doing with A. I’d been living in this same city for nearly 27 years and I’d never seen the airport, the haunted gates (that place was scary as hell, ALL HELL), and all these strange and creepy places of local folklore until we started cruising. He was young and immature, but tall and really goodlooking and had a nice car with a system and big backseat. Need I say more.

Somedays I feel like he was a mistake. I especially used to regret him whenever I’d see him with M shooting the shit. I wondered if they told each other about me, swapped stories, and I felt like a real slut. And other times I’d look at him and remember that he was banging (no pun intended) and I don’t have to apologize or feel bad for anyone I’ve had dealings with…though I’d often contemplated  how I’d break the news to M if we ever got together.

This week was more of the same: awkwardness, cold shoulders, and holding onto the past. The more run-ins I have with M the more confused he seems. He doesn’t understand why i’m being the way that I’m being. I need for him to understand that my feelings have changed and therefore what once was is now different. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I feel free and light, knowledge truly is power. I’m no longer deciphering his actions, looking for meaning in things he says, no longer searching deeper. I’m taking everything at face-value and laughing at how much energy and time I wasted. I want to be his friend again…afterall I did genuinely like him. It’s just hard going backwards, starting over, when you’ve already seen the ending.

Karma is REAL and stunning. We were officially informed today of Annoying Black Man’s employment termination. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, he was the cause of his own demise. I’m thankful that I’m not the reason for someone being jobless, and I’m extra extra extra thankful that I didn’t up and quit because of him like I’d wanted to. Thank goodness. I knew from the moment I saw that dude that something was fucked up and sinister about him, I called that shit months ago.

Anyway, enough about gremlins.

I’m tired. Just got home from a lovely dinner and I want curl up with someone great and snooze. For the next month I’m going to take the Law of Attraction seriously and see what happens. Hmm.

Friday, April 5th- Part Two

So, I stopped feeling sorry for myself for a moment and called a lawyer. Here are the deets:

To file with for custody with the court it will cost $435, though there is a fee waiver that could possibly get this paperwork submitted for free. I need to file the originals and make two copies and get them stamped…one copy will be used to serve him with, the other will be for my records. After he is served, he has 30 days to respond. If he doesn’t respond (which is what I would like), I can file for a default judgment and *more than likely* get granted sole custody. If he does respond however, I will have to go to mediation, and court eventually. If I want to get a lawyer, retainers are between $2000-2500 plus billing hours.

So here are my options:

a) I could let it go. Stay with Aminah in Alabama and live quietly, giving up on SXM.

b) go to California and ask for sole custody, representing myself (and basically moving, either for the two months it would take if he does not respond, or however long it will take if he does respond) and put off SXM for about a year or so. get a job and pay for an apartment, pay for daycare, etc.

c) ask for sole custody with an attorney (which I can technically do from Alabama) and put off SXM until we get a ruling. If the judge makes me move back to California, then I move back. work so I can pay off the lawyers.

I don’t like any of my options. I could suck up moving back to California, but if I move, I’m not going to leave for a while. I’m tired of moving. I want stability. I was planning to move to SXM and settle. But if it is for me to go to Cali then I will just settle there… at least until I can get sole custody of Aminah and save enough money to go, which will probably be a few years.

Staying in Alabama for another year or so would be rough. I would be saving money in a sense because I could continue working on these projects and not have to worry about daycare or anything like that. But I aint tryna do another winter, and this self-imposed exile is torture, just slightly less than the torture of actually talking to or developing relationships with people out here. i definitely don’t want to settle here…I cannot see raising a child in this closed-minded community.

My grandmother is telling me to fast and pray. i’m gonna try it starting tomorrow until Monday. No food or drink other than water until 3pm. Just for three days. And by Monday, I am praying I will know what I will need to do.

I’m going to bed. Buenos Noches.