I hope you guys are okay.

October. Movement.

Why the hell did I just receive a “notice of overdue violations and impending registry non-renewal” in the mail today for a parking ticket I never received in a city I don’t live in or visit. God’s telling me I need to leave.

I’ve been feeling it deeply that it’s time for me to move on in all ways. The last time I was stagnant and stuck in a cycle, I had to force myself to break it and move on. And I did. I jumped into a new life. And now, even though I’m in a much better place, I’ve found myself again stuck in a stagnant cycle. Things have to change. I see what I want and what I’m doing now, where I’m living now, where I’m headed now, won’t lead me to it. Won’t bring me anywhere to be honest.

I need to leave this city for sure. I’ve been thinking a lot about upstate NY. I want to settle down. I want to focus on dating and meeting people. I hate my job and can’t keep wasting hours, days, months, years of my life there.

Hurricane Sandy’s got me all shook up. I remember last year at this exact time, a freak nor’easter hit us bad and we were left without power or heat for 3 days. I remember sitting in my dark apartment by myself, surrounded by candles and the gas oven on. I remember being scared because the whole street was blacked out and I was alone. Please God be with us.

Thursday, October 25th- Decisions Decisions

So, I have to move. By next week. 

I have no money until Monday, and definitely not enough to live off for another month. 

So, it looks like I will definitely have to leave Newark. 

For the first time in weeks, I actually feel a little relieved. Like, if this is the decision I was supposed to make, then okay. I’m actually okay with it. 

Which is shocking, because it also means that I will be headed back to the one place I dread the most. And I will be literally skipping there with bells on. 

You guessed it! Alabama!

Why? Well for one, I refuse to be homeless in Newark, NJ. My gallant return to the East Coast has been far from ideal…but I have a job…doesn’t pay me enough though to support my daughter. And I am not willing to put her at risk for anyone. ANYONE. So, barring my job giving me a significant raise (i’m talking like an extra G a month, especially since taxes will probably take half of it), I’m chucking deuces to Newark and going down south to start over and try something new. 

Prolly will job hunt in Atlanta, but I’m really circling back around to my own business. I don’t like working for other people. I really don’t. I mean, I can, and in all honesty if I was ever going to be a 9-5er this would be the situation in which i would do it. But my subordinates suck ass (hence why their asses are subordinates even though i’ve been there significantly less time than they have, and they salty), there is little flexibility, and I don’t get to spend time with Aminah the way I want to. Plus, they want me to work weekends, and that is a no-go all around. Who do I have that can babysit for me on the weekends while I go to work? Please they were tripping the minute that came out of their mouths. And I’m tired of the constant “my balls are bigger than yours” competition with all of the senior staff (like seriously they need to figure out how to work together).

The only thing I would regret if I leave would be losing out on this project I’ve been working on for months– I’ve been developing a few shows for them, but this one in particular has me really excited. Hell, it means I can go to Trinidad for like six weeks! So, if I can figure out a way to stay working on that project, but remotely, I will. 

 

But I have learned a lot in the few months I’ve been there about the business and how to build with few resources…i just need to focus and get my plan in order. So, my time down south will not be in vain, it will be a regrouping of sorts. Plus, Aminah can be around family and I can have some peace of mind about life for a little while. I need like a mental health month after this. 

This is what I’ve been praying about, so I am far from upset. It’s just confirmation about what I need to do and how I need to move. 

Robot

You forget exactly how uncomfortable being sick is until you are actually sick. I feel like my head is full of steam and my brain is swimming in snot. Aches, chills, hotflashes, headaches, earaches, sore throat, faucet nose, buring sinuses, cramps, you name it i’ve got it. But the bitch still has to go to work everyday this week. How long can I keep doing this.

I’m pretty sure C is a psycho. I dunno why but I’ve just been getting that feeling. He’s too open and too honest. I used to find that endearing but now I’m wishing he’d leave some things unsaid. He’s been going through some really intense stuff and I’m trying to be a good friend and listening ear for him. I don’t know what he wants. He’s back home now but coming back in December. A part of me thinks he just wants to make sure he still has someone when he comes back. Yeah, that’s what he’s doing. I’m not here for that. The way he left was pure bullshit, even though now I understand why, supposedly. I feel he’s a liar, and if he could lie about something as extreme as this, he is the lowest form of human. The selfishness of men is astounding.

I’m not feeling anyone right now. Not thinking of anyone. Not wanting anyone. Not fantasizing about anyone. Not feeling in like. I’ve been in a deep funk for about a week now and I don’t see an end in sight. It’s not all bad though. I’m numb and going though the motions like a robot, but trying to find a way out is forcing me to think outside the box. I’m making plans. And the numbness is making me unafraid. Of anything. Now starting the process of getting the ball rolling and and setting goals.

Annoying black man looks like an ashy David Banner and dresses like a homeless Carlton Banks. He still annoys the living shit out of me and its getting to the point where I can’t see myself working in an environment where he and I are breathing the same air. He wanted to know when he was taking me out for lobster and I told him they don’t make lobster-flavored ramen. Thefuckouttahere.

A hurricane is coming and I am scared. Let’s file this under “Times When I Wish I Had A Man.” A week or so ago I experienced my first real-life earthquake. I thought my elderly landlord had accidentally blown the house up.

Today I went back to a convenience store with the sole purpose of being a rude bitch to the rude stupid ass bitch who was a rude stupid ass bitch to me  twice last week. I was like, is it because I’m black? or because I’m a chick? or because she’s just a bitch? I only go there because the guy who owns the place is a real sweetheart, truly a good guy whose always happy and welcoming and cheerful. Under who’s soggy ballsack did he find this wench? I thought of never going back there again, but then I decided it would make me feel better to continue to patronize a good person’s business…and just treat her like shit every time I go in there. Anyway, today I went up in there, shitted on her, and left laughing. It’s just so funny how much people’s demeanor and attitude towards you changes when you make it known that you are NOT the one to be fucked with. Don’t try me bitch. Soon as I saw she was there it was like I was holding a crystal ball and saw her future. And in that future I predicted that she would be feeling like an ass in a few moments as soon as I got my Vitamin Water and cheese puffs and proceeded to the cash register where her sour, unwelcoming face  would soon be looking mad stupid. Heifer.

I am so mature. *shrugs* *3 snaps*

Tuesday, October 23rd– Something light

sooo….why did this guy that i occasionally talk to (the one that tried to holla at me at the wedding) tell me that he was in a music video…then told me the music video was for Trillville (remember them?)…then told me which video…then i watched it…and saw his fat boy self jumping all over the screen…

 

and i low key lost respect for myself for a moment. like, damn trina, is this a low point? it feels like it. i can def do better than the fat boy in  the Trillville video. 

 

’tis all. 

Sunday October 21st

 

It’s kinda been feeling like a black cloud’s been hanging over everyone recently. There’s been alot of bad news going around. I’m praying for a veil of protection over my loved ones.

School is painful. I’m trying my best to hang in there but it is really uninteresting, unhelpful, and all around ungood.

I’m feeling extra sensitive today. Extra tired. Extra lazy. Extra extra. Thinking of calling out tomorrow and not doing a damn thing all day, but need to save my sick days for Mental Health emergencies.

It’s really hard to believe there’s only 2 months left in the year. On one hand I’m sad because the year flew by and NOTHING worthy of mention happened. At all. And on the other hand I really just want the year to end. Time for a fresh start. You never know what could happen in these next two months though, I guess. God willing: GOOD THINGS. AMAZING THINGS.

I used to think celibacy was pointless and something just not for me, but now I’m considering it. I’m also thinking of experimenting with a snail-paced, monogamous relationship. I will never get what I want if I keep doing what I’m doing. Maybe the opposite will open the right doors.

Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Longest Rant In The History of Life: Stereotyping, Preferences, and Negativity

1. I am too old for stereotypes. I’ve BEEN over it. That being said, it’s weird when people still try to fit me into a certain box and act all surprised when they find out that my contents aren’t what they expected. I’m not a fucking stereotype. I am who I am. I do what I want. I look how I want. I love who I want. I fuck who I want. I’m comfortable with myself and I like myself. Eat it.

2. It’s especially weird when its black people stereotyping me. In particular: black men. It’s one thing when other people are stereotyping you because they don’t know. It’s another thing when people who are OF you and just LIKE you are putting you into a box trying to separate you from themselves and justify why they can’t deal with you. I’ve heard it all. Black women have attitudes, black women are bitter, black women are are bitches, black women are mean. Hell outta here with that shit. Where the fuck are they finding these chicks? Cuz most of my friends are black girls, and all of them are a). hilarious b). smart c). easygoing d). happy etc. Of course there’s some gutter ass hoes in every group so you’d think people would stop pulling bitches out of these gutters and surround themselves with sweethearts, right? Of course not.

3. Black women + Black men relationships. This was an awkward moment I experienced today in the breakroom. We were sitting around and they were talking about who and what’s hot regarding women. “Who thinks redheads are hot?” Motherfuckers were fake barfing and shaking their heads hell no. Then new black kid goes “who thinks black girls are hot?”

.

.

.

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Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlbye!

All eyes turned to me. I don’t think any of us could digest the blatant boldness. Keep in mind I’m sitting there, the only black chick and the only black chick in the whole damn building. And i’m sitting there with a bunch of white dudes and new black kid. So yeah, all eyes were on me and in my mind I was tripledogdaring a single motherfucker to make any kind of stinkface or fake barf or any kind of anything. Then new black kid looks at me shyly and goes “Well i’ve never dated a black girl before. I mean, not cuz I’m not attracted to them or anything but I just never have. I like Asians. We’ll of course, cuz my girlfriend’s Asian.”

Mmkaythanksforsharingstorytimeisover? It was like he was explaining to me his reasons as if I was supposed to care or be upset or feel some kind of way or demand an explanation. I just shrugged whole-heartedly and smiled and told him everyone has their preferences and what the fuck ya gonna do? And I meant it!

4. I am so happy that I am a grown woman and have been through shit and have lived life and experienced things that have changed my outlook on life and people and forced me to be less judgemental or defensive about stuff that’s not a big deal. Cuz had this conversation happened when I was 22 or 24 I might’ve made an ass out of myself today at that table in front of all those people. The truth is this: I honestly do not care anymore. I don’t care who black men date. I don’t care who anyone dates. And I don’t care about anyone’s preferences.

5. But what does make me feel a little weird is when your own people strictly don’t check for you. You’re a full-grown adult black person who has NEVER dated another black person? What other race does that? Tasting the rainbow and enjoying the flavors is one thing, but when you completely ignore your own color on purpose and in some cases don’t even allow the thought of the possibility to enter your mind…lemme stop.

………..

6. To keep myself entertained while M is away I re-started my old game of keeping track of how many times my miserly coworker bitches throughout the day. I have 2 columns: “Groans of Misery” and “Bitching/negativity/whining/nagging.” Today she had a final tally of 43 in the “bitching/negativity/whining/nagging” category and 4 groans of agony. It’s important to note that today I had her on Ignore for a good portion of the day so I’m sure that had I been paying more attention to her, the results would’ve been more dramatic. I think the day that she reaches 65 I will treat myself to something off my Beauty Wishlist.

Do you know how many times a day I want to slap the living crap out of her? As soon as you walk in she can’t wait to tell you the bad news. She complains all day everyday about everything and nothing. You’re damned if you don’t and damned if you do. Nothing makes her happy. Nothing is good. Nobody is nice. She’s suspicious of everything and everyone and so self-centered it’s embarrassing. She thinks everyone’s out to get her. She is absolutely.fucking.miserable. I can’t believe she’s gone through all these years without someone pointing out to her that she is a crazy bitchhag. It’s like, listen to the words that come out of your mouth. Every single thing you say is negative.

The constant, unrelenting negativity completely drains me. Its to the point now where I just tune her out and can go the whole day without uttering a word to her, and then I feel bad because she doesn’t know why I’m acting weird towards her. So I’ll try and be my normal self and as soon as she sees I’m not angry with her she goes right on back to her bitching. I like to surround myself with happy, laidback people who laugh easily and don’t care about dumb shit. It makes work bearable.

Thursday, October 11- I should just leave this untitled…

It has been way to long since I last posted. I need to get on my job. Last week was rough because I was in pain and it took a long time for it to ease up. Add to that stresses at work…i just felt really lonely, and jealous for no reason.

Let’s talk about work for a moment. Lord help me sometimes…my coworkers have stanky attitudes. I just woke up to a nasty email from one this morning. Like, she stays hella rude and smart ass. She doesn’t know how to talk to people and her attitude is a hot mess. then the other is just defiant as hell. give him a deadline and he will surely ignore it and miss it. I think I need to have a meeting with them about their attitudes. 

Home…so I am apartment hunting. I went and looked at an apartment last night in Newark…OMG it was disgusting, the building was nasty and broke down, and I just was like, HELL NO. it was a good size for the price, but I couldn’t live there…it was sooo nasty. Aminah was good though yesterday while we were looking at places, and that is always a relief. I saw another apartment (just the location) yesterday, and the building (from the outside) looked a little project-ish, so idk. Wherever I go, it needs to be safe for my baby. I’m gonna look at another apartment today and one on Saturday. hopefully i find something good soon. 

Now for a gratitude list:

1. Health (seriously cannot be discounted, for both me and my baby)

2. Energy to get through the day

3. my car! its finally here

4. having a job, and a boss that has so much faith in me

5. good friends

6. a good daughter that keeps me laughing– last night she did this thing where she would stand up on the couch, run towards me and collapse on my lap giggling. and i would kiss her up and she’d giggle a little more, then run back to the end of the couch and do it again. Love that little girl!

7. not being completely broke

8. not feeling as lonely as i did last week

9. good projects to work on 

10. patience

 

Wednesday The 10th Stuff

 

M’s gonna be on a mini vacay which means I get to be on a mini vacay too in some sense. I’m wondering if I should’ve warned folks about the fugliness that will be me for the rest of the week. Not having anyone to look cute for makes life so easy. It takes too much time to get myself edible in the morning, and sometimes I don’t know why I bother seeing as this kid’s already seen me at my worst. Like when I was drunk out the ass faceplanted in the staircase of a hotel, or every single day at work looking butch busted and disgusted. The poor man bore witness to my season-long fight with humidity all summer when I was running up in that place looking like Theo Huxtable everyday.

Anyway, it’ll be good to not give a shit for a few days. I’m giving my poon a break from the skintight jeans and busting out my most worn-in, comfiest jeans, rockin my favorite chucks with the holes in the toes, and piling my hair up in my fug bun that my nephew told me makes me look like Papa Smurf. Just cuz I can.

Annoying Black Man came into work looking like Encino Man today lmao. I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason why I dislike him so much is because he always looks like he’s straining to take the stinkiest shit. He legit walks like he has a huge turd stuck in his butt and his face always looks like he can/is trying to smell it/push it out. He always looks like he smells farts and like he’s trying to identify the source. And then HE HIMSELF looks like he could be the one and only culprit. You know that face that babies make when they’re trying to poop and they’re really focused and pushing? That’s the face that this man makes all the time.

The other black guy, the one that looked miserable all the time, is actually really cool people and he is very cute. If only I was 6 years younger and he didn’t have a girlfriend. When he first came I really thought he was checking for me but then he started talking about his girl which is cool. I appreciate when guys don’t keep their girlfriends a secret, as others have done and still do. Even if he was interested I couldn’t mess with him, I think he has some weird racial issues. That’s a whole nother post in and of itself. I have a feeling he’s never been with a black girl before also, which is…meh. It is what it is.

The new girl at work…turned out to be a 60 year old woman. Thanks, Jesus. 🙂 I mean, ole girl looks amazing for 60. From several feet away she looked like a fiesty 21 year old. She is also really sweet and nice. Anyway, life has since gone on. I’m not sure if M even has it in him to be vulnerable to chicks ever again ever ever foreverever after what happened to him, but I just wasn’t up for competing over a dude. I am not a fucking lion. I don’t do that shit. I did tell him though that if I ever saw her trying to talk to him I would slap her face.

Things have been going ok between us. I’ve simmered down a bit and my heart’s no longer on fire and I’m just enjoying the good feeling he gives me. I don’t want to open any old wounds or make him feel some kind of way, but i’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get him to open his heart again. I don’t blame him. I just wish he would understand that I am different.

Goalie hit me up the other night when my ass was semi knocked out. I was so confused. He wanted me to come over but my hair was silky straight in the back and a fro on top. More importantly I don’t know what the hell he’s doing. I was resigned to never seeing him again and I moved on…then here he comes. I don’t wanna keep getting my hopes up or getting attached again only to be disappointed again.

So I have hon…

 

So I have honestly listened to usher’s song climax like 20 times thus far. Something about it makes me happy yet incredibly depressed at the same time. Maybe it’s the fact that I feel like this is where I will end up in a few but I admire his will to fight even though he feels he’s losing. Honestly beautiful song. All day I have had this happy but sad feeling…it is the strangest thing. I am excited that I feel like there is really an end to this tunnel yet going though it is depressing. I will be revisiting Florida in three weeks and I am anxious because this has been the longest month and a half of my life. I am trying my hardest not to fall for someone a million miles away but after almost 2 months of just verbal communication and getting to know someone without and physical contact that becomes harder as we progress. I amofficially convinced that the only thing that can make me run at ths point is if sex is horrible. I am a complete mess. Besides my weird “I really don’t want o like him” thing….things have been decent. I have not spoken to my child’s father in weeks and I hope this time he’s serious when he said he will never call me again. Although I know that s a lie…a simple prayer won’t hurt.School is going…still kind of annoying because I’m not in any real nursing classes yet but it’s better than being in Bloomingdales. Lord knows I can’t stand that place but it keeps my son in day care so I do appreciate it…..30th time listening to this song. My favorite line is by far  “you say it’s better if we love each other separetly. I just need one more time…I can’t get what we had off my mind” I’m about go….I have 1 more hour to myself to blast this song before any one else is around and I’m going to enjoy it.